Wednesday, March 7, 2012

problems that might not seem like problems

I don't really like to complain about things that bug me about my life out loud, mostly because I worry I will come off ungrateful and like I'm complaining about nothing.  But these crazy feelings of unhappiness aren't going away, so I'm trying to really look at my life and decide what I'm going to do next.  Here's the thing:  I live in Los Angeles, which I normally love but I've grown kind of sick of it.  I feel pretty disconnected from friends that I used to be quite close with and seem to have more "okay" friends than good friends here.  I have people in my life that I love dearly here, and it is really nice to be close to my family, but things here aren't meshing for me and aren't really things that are outweighing all the bad I am associating with where I live.  
I really dislike my job (this is the part where I feel I come off ungrateful).  I know it's a down economy and people are struggling to find good work and I should really be happy with what I have, but I'm not.  I don't know if a lot of people my age are feeling this, but I am.  I still have that crazy young person optimism that I can do something I love and am good at and find happiness in my work.  I know that might fade off, but I really hope it doesn't, because I don't want to be a person whose job is just a robotic motion of everyday.  My job is where I spend most of my days and I don't want to wallow in its unfulfilling nature.  
And this is where my struggle comes in.  I have this option to move to New York in 7 months.  I would move without a job (terrifying), a good amount of savings, but also some (relatively none) debt from college loans.  I also have this really crazy offer to live in Paris for a year with a good family friend.  My rent would be zero dollars.  In France.  But finding a job in France  for Americans is really, crazy hard.  Like almost impossibly hard.  I speak a bit of French, but am certainly not fluent, so I've been practicing a lot and bought a few books to make myself better.  I am exploring the whole teaching English in Paris option but I am not certain if that is what I want to do.  I will be in France in September with my family and that will give me some time to think about it, but God I would LOVE to just move there and figure things out.  It would be the opportunity I have always hoped for.  But, alas, I am a person who likes to plan everything out.  I don't just let things fall into place.  So the thought of moving anywhere and just figuring things out is really scary and too irresponsible for me to process. 
The only option that is completely off the table is doing what I am doing now.  It isn't working for me and it will only make me sadder and sadder.  I wake up every morning dreading to go to work, and when I get to work I feel so sad that no part of my job makes me happy.  I need to pick a new option, but they are all so scary.

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