Wednesday, October 9, 2013

recent realizations

1.  Autumn might be my most unproductive season.  I know I professed my love to it, but the only thing that appeals to me right now is sitting at my cubicle with my space heater (not that it's that cold outside, but it is always around 60 degrees in my office) and look through Pinterest for Halloween costume ideas.
2.  That reminds me, if you have a child you are not allowed to have a sexy costume.  Once you have opened up your womb you have revoked your right to be a sexy school girl, sexy Kermit the Frog, sexy whatever.  I'm really just done seeing a sexy Dorothy holding her daughter in the demure version of the costume...what are you teaching?  If you need any inspiration of what type of person your daughter should be dressing up as, take notes from this mom
3.  I feel very strongly that if Congress can't get to work then I shouldn't have any taxes revoked from my paycheck during this time.  It seems like a fair trade off.
4.  If you can afford fancy new shoes you can afford to buy new light bulbs to replace the burned out ones in your apartment.  This is a note to myself.  
5.  The MAJOR downside of getting your ish together and working out 3-4 times a week means I now must wash my hair more often.  Who is funding this shampoo habit?

Friday, October 4, 2013

Rules everyone should abide by in a group fitness class


Recently, I have taken up kickboxing, and if you've spoken to me in the last month you will know that I am absolutely in love with it and probably will never set foot in a gym again.  It is the best workout I have ever had, it doesn't make me feel weak or slow (unlike some ballet barre classes where the instructor asks you to put one leg on the bar, an arm holding a ball and another arm in the air.  Sorry, you lost me at leg.) and I love that there are girls of all different body sizes/types doing the same workout and making it work out for them (see what I did there?).  I've really come to love the idea of a group class.  It holds you accountable because, unlike the gym, you can't cancel the day of and if you walk out in the middle of your workout everyone will notice and your teacher will probably chase you to find out what's up.  It also isn't a meat market, which I find to be the case at the gym, especially when I catch girls in full-faced makeup, an arm full of bangles, and a push-up bra.  This isn't the club, slow down and wash your face.  
Group workouts are great, until they're not.  What I mean is, I have some serious pet peeves when it comes to being in a workout class.  Take note, because I know I'm not the only person who is secretly hating you in their heads if you do any of these things:

1.     Don't talk during class.  An occasional (and I use this word very strongly) "Woo!" is fine, but if you are having a full on conversation with your friend on the mat next to you, it's time to take your ass to the juice bar downstairs, because I can't hear the instructor screaming my next move while you talk about what you're doing later.  This also applies for conversations had in languages other than English, because then I can only assume you're talking about how awful all of us look as we sweat in the ultrasexy position of bicycle kicks.  
2.     Pop a mint.  I can't tell you how many times in the last few weeks alone I will be holding punching pads for a classmate and that first jab hits my pad with the same intensity that her gnarly breath hits my nostrils.  A simple Altoid will do wonders.  You're body looks great, and I would love to talk about what you eat to stay in impeccable shape, but I don't want to smell it because at this point I'm just going to assume you're eating Indian Food with kimchi for every meal.  
3.  Wear a sports bra.  If it has lace, it's not a sports bra.  You may think you look sexy with your Agent Provocateur bra peeking through your Lulu Lemon, but you look tacky.  And bras are expensive.  Don't demean them by sweating all over your pretty underthings!  This also goes for girls who don't wear a bra at all because they think they're small enough to go without one.  I have news for you, I can see your nipples and they look miserable from the chafing.  
4.     Keep grunting to a minimum.  And by minimum I mean 0-1 times during class.  The most distracting thing is to have a girl in class who grunts with the frequency and volume of Maria Sherpova.  They're jumping jacks, they're not murder (nor sex for that matter).  I'm going to have to side with Larry David on this one and just tell you to stfu.   
5.     Wipe off the equipment you use.  I could care less if you don't wipe your face when you're sweating like Patrick Ewing, but clean off your mat and weights you animal!  

If you follow these rules the only thing people will be able to hate you for is how effortless you look during a side plank. Please and thank you from any one with manners and human decency.  

image credit:  Paris Vogue

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Dearest Autumn,

.Oh Autumn, how I love thee.  People around me can't understand my love for you.   But each time I catch a glimpse of you, my heart's desire is renewed.  You comfort me with sweaters, coats and socks.  You change green pastures into beautiful golden colors of red, yellow and orange.  I wait, tirelessly, nine months out of the year to be with you.  And although you only grace this part of the globe with your presence so briefly, often shorter than the three months I am promised on my marked calender, I savor ever moment.  
For how could I prefer a season of blazing heat or rainy clouds?  How could I find pleasure in all that sunshine or gloom?  I adore you for your mixture of both.  You are unique and silly in a way that makes me always carry a jacket with me everywhere I go just in case you decide to drop 10 degrees within 10 minutes.  You sway me to cook comfort food and put cinnamon in my coffee.  Autumn, it is you that makes me want to take up knitting and pie baking.  Two things I know I will never do, but your beauty and moderate climates is what makes me really believe that this is the year that I will.  Oh Autumn please stay forever.  It is you that gives me a cold nose when I ride my bike.  It is you that makes me pair tights with every outfit I own.  You bring squash to farmer's markets and pumpkin flavored everything to every place you touch.
Autumn, it is you that makes me happier than I have ever been.  You drop leaves all over an otherwise bare sidewalk.  They decorate the streets like a magical city.  But, alas, I have on request:  please stop with this death spikes you drop from your golden pastures.  Goddamn it if you drop one more of those spikey tree balls on my head one more time!  Like honestly mother nature, what purpose do those damn things serve?!