Wednesday, September 7, 2011

This article definitely hit close to home. As I was reading it, I felt as if the writer was pulling thoughts from my mind. Now, I am not from a small town, so I don't think the weight of returning to where I grew up bares quite as much "oh geeez" as it would if I was, however I definitely have those moments where I run into people from high school. People who I was never really super keen on and they say things, "So what, you're still living here," to which I want to scream out "no, no, this is all just temporary! I moved away and finished college and I swear I'm telling the truth, this is just where I need to be right now." I definitely duck when I see certain faces that used to roam my high school's hallways that are now roaming the isles of the Trader Joes near my apartment. I guess I don't have it quite as bad as I may think. I live on my own, after almost a year at my parents' house. But I totally have that guilt.

That guilt of being seemingly ungrateful for my job. I have a good job that pays me well in an economy where people with two masters' degrees can't even swing a job at Banana Republic. I get paid to do things for other people, whatever they may need. But I'm so dissatisfied with it, and there is where my guilt comes in. I guess I just look around at a lot of my co-workers, and although they may be happy in this position in this stage in their life I certainly am not. I sometimes feel chronically dissatisfied with my options, but I don't have the goal of owning property, settling down in a relationship or doing other adult things. There is a lot more out there for me, I feel. A lot more to be done before I can start even thinking of those things on my horizon. Whether it's guilt for being dissatisfied, or worried that I seem selfish for wanting more...something is always plaguing me of what my present and my hopes for the future say about where I am going in life. I feel like I am at a standstill. Like I am stuck in this day-to-day that I never really envisioned for myself and that I want to get out of as soon as I can...but then my mind takes me back to 'would that be the responsible things to do?'

I know Catholic guilt is a thing. I'm not Catholic, but can we come up with something I call Good Girl Guilt? I've always done the good and responsible thing my entire life, so even entertaining the idea of doing something outside of the lines scares me a bit. I brought up the idea to my mother a few days ago that after our family trip to Europe next summer, maybe I will stay in Paris for an couple of months to study French (I'm currently in my second year). She instantly shot the question of, "But what about your job?" to which I said, "I mean maybe I'll quite and see where my time in France takes me." The look on her face said it all, but her words were exactly what I sometimes think to myself. "So you just wouldn't have a job? I don't understand, how could you not have a job? No job?" To which I quickly backpedaled and said I hadn't really thought it through and it was really far off in the future and we'll see and blah blah I'm sorry I'll be good again blah blah blah. But, I don't really want to forget about it. I want to start taking the steps (saving and whatnot) to make sure I will be able to do that this time next year. It wouldn't be so bad and it's a rare opportunity and age in my life where I would be able to just go for it. But then again, these days my head is all over the place and I feel like I just jump to any thought of a plan that will take me out of my current day-to-day. If you could only hear how loud my sigh is.

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