Monday, October 8, 2012

so, things will never be just so

I think I've written about this before, but often times I feel in such a hurry to accomplish a lot.  I tend to feel like time is running out even though I'm only in my early twenties.  I am a very anxious person in this way.  But I'm really making a conscious effort to be better at going with the flow of things.  The flow of life.  That's not to say that I don't want to put effort or even throw myself into making positive changes (like a new job, apartment, etc.) but I guess to not let the fact that all those things aren't happening at once stress me out so much.  I get very stressed out.  When something wonderful is happening in my life I tend to not allow myself to fully enjoy it, but rather wonder why something that isn't going so well is not going as well as the thing that is.  Wow, that probably doesn't read right.  
For example, my relationship right now is the most wonderful, lovely, butterflies in my stomach fantastic thing right now.  But rather than doing backflips all the time and counting myself lucky for finding someone so wonderful me, I am racing in my mind wandering and thinking things like "Oh, but life would be so perfect if I also loved my job."  This is such a bad habit on my part.  Because really in life things will never be perfect.  One day, I will get a lovely job and then I'll be unsatisfied with the commute, or with my place of living, or something.  The point is, for an anxious person like me there is always something on the checklist.  The list of things that can be improved.  And that is both annoying for people around me and...for me!  It's not easy being anxious.  I know that's silly to say, but really.  This feeling of running out of time or not doing enough and just being all around inpatient with myself and my accomplishments is tough.  And when people tell you to "relax" or "take it easy, you're so young!" it doesn't help. Because learning to be relaxed is something I really can't add to this checklist.  But accepting that this is how I am and might always be and making a conscious effort to take breaks between the madness and just enjoy is something I can add.

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