Wednesday, August 22, 2012

relationships, delusions & peace


  Life has this very funny way of turning everything upside down, just as you think you have it all figured out.  Upon my return from my New York vacation in May I was absolutely set on moving back East in October.  I felt at home there, at peace with my friends and just ready for a new chapter away from what I thought was my displeasure with Los Angeles.  And then the most unexpected thing happened:  I fell in love.   I fell in love with a boy who I knew had an interest in me for some time, and I entered it thinking "okay, I'm leaving in a few months.  This will be a fun person to have around me for my last summer in LA."  And really, he was.  I knew he was one of those boys who just thrive in the summer.  A boy of summer (no pun intended) which would help me have fun my last few months in a city I felt so done with.  And then, after about our second official date I started to get worried.  Uh oh, this is a good one.  This is one that I don't think I could say goodbye to.  This is one I could see myself changing my plans for.  Of course, there are a lot more factors that factored into it (I figured it might be best to stay put and pay off my student debt, explore new career options here in Los Angeles, etc.), but really all of those were secondary to the feeling of this new found happiness.

At the ripe age of 23 I had officially written off the idea of ever meeting someone that I could see myself really being with.  Sure, I would be open to the idea of dates and stuff.  But really after one very bad, very toxic, and very painful relationship (my previous), I had really given up on the idea that two people can love each other unselfishly and without pain or imposition on the other.  I would see couples in the streets and just assume that they had all kinds of problems and especially when I saw couples fighting in public I would think, "oh god, I'm so glad that's not me."
But, as cheesy as it sounds, now I see that it was one negative experience (one very negative relationship) that was causing all of this anxiety and dislike for the idea of something new.  It is a very crazy thought that falling in love with someone wonderful was the key to me falling back in love with this magical city I was so lucky to be born & raised it.  

No comments:

Post a Comment