when you look like a sixteen year old in a room full of "adults"

Perhaps it's my 5'1 stature or my love for polka dots in the workplace, but often times people don't seem to take me seriously because I look like a teenager.  I am a 24-year old woman but I don't look it.  I mean, I don't look like a woman at all.  I don't wear heels unless I'm going on a job interview or if they're absolutely essential to a slammin' outfit, I wear pretty natural makeup, and I don't push my lady bits into push-up bras or cleavage busting tops.  Considering for the times, I am pretty toned down when girls are trying to turn up.

The funny thing is, if you ask most of my lady friends they will tell you I am the most grown up of all of us.  Looking professional, being ladylike and having my shit together is very important to me.  But when I am in a room full of women in suits and lipstick, I tend to feel like I'm only the in the room because it's take your daughter to work day.  When it's not.  

And it is for this feeling of being a little, tiny shrimp, in a room full of sharks that I feel like people don't take me very seriously at work.  It's not because I'm unprofessional or inappropriate in any way.  It's because I look like their daughter who is probably still in high school complaining that their mom won't let them get pink highlights.  It really is so unfair!  The pink highlights and the ageist discrimination.  It has gotten to the point where when I take charge or speak up in kind of a demanding way at work, people look really surprised.  Like I wasn't or shouldn't be capable of such guts or conviction.  I can see it in their eyes where they want to say "um can she talk like that? she's just a baby!"  

So what's a girl to do?  I happen to work in an environment where almost everyone is older than me.  I have a few people in the twenty-something age group, but for the most part we're talking 40+ who don't look at me as someone who should take charge and hold responsibility  like I do.  It's something that I fear will hold me back in life.  As odd as that sounds, I really worry about it.  Because I do have a lot of potential, am a really fast learner, and a supremely hard worker (okay, I should shut up, not trying to toot my horn) but I fear that people won't be able to visually picture me in a position of authority because I look like I belong in an episode of Glee.  

I know some people will say that the look has nothing to do with it, and people will give you respect and responsibility with how you carry yourself and if you demand it.  And all of that is true, but we still live in a society where looks mean a lot whether that be a good or bad thing.  We still judge people by how they look.  We assign "appropriateness" based on people's look.  You see an image and you start building an idea of that person:  what their job may be, their friends, their social interactions, etc.  Yes, it's judgmental but we all do it!  I'm just trying to figure out how to make it work my favor without putting on a pair of heels.  Because I'm telling you people, I just won't do it.

recent realizations

1.  I guess it doesn't matter how old you are, even if you're a grown ass woman:  immature responses to constructive (justified) criticism is universal.  I mean c'mon ladies, let's work together!
2.  Sometimes, when you're on medication where you can't be in the sun for long periods of time, you'll do the unthinkable.  In my case it's a spray tan since I haven't been able to lay in the sun for about a year.  Don't worry, I will make sure that this tragedy won't happen to me.
3.  When work is getting you down, the only cure is margaritas and lots of chips n salsa.  Trust me, it's science.
4.  Nail polish says a lot about who you are and how you feel.  So dudes, don't make your girlfriends feel bad about taking so long to pick!  Cause I am totally judging her if she has some iridescent blue stuff going on.  

recent realizations: los angeles edition

1.  I hate driving more than ever.  Even though my commute is shorter, I now live in a beautiful neighborhood where apparently everyone is polite enough to say "good morning" in passing, but it's totally fine to side swipe a car or scratch a bumper with no note.  
2.  I truly believe we have the best, most delicious, and unpretentious food in the country.  You can get some insane, bomb, gourmet eats without the nonsense ingredients or garnishes.  Also, there is no arguing with me on this.
3.  WTF girls, I know it felt like summer for like four seconds, but its currently raining and gloomy so could you please put away those ass-cheek baring shorts k thanks.
4.  It really is a mystery how I have lived in Los Angeles all my life, seen basically every celebrity imaginable but I still have not spotted a Kardashian.  Okay I met Kris once for a second at my old job, but I don't care about her!  I'll swap my Leo DiCaprio/Britney Spears interaction any day for some Kim action.
5.  Dogs are NOT accessories, so don't show up to a Cinco De Mayo party at a bar with your chihuahua jerk.

lady seeking lady: platonic

You gotta have your girls, am I right?  Your girls keep you in check, listen to you ramble about the nonsense boys don't even have the earhole capacity for, and they can show you how to do a fishtail braid!  Show me a boyfriend who can do that?  Actually, don't.  Because if your boyfriend can do that you may have a whole other set of issues on your hands. 

What I'm trying to say is, girlfriends are so very necessary.  I hate those girls who get boyfriends and then never have a moment for their ladies.  It's just not right.  And so, I've never been one of those people.  But one thing that comes with growing up is the women you love and adore most--the women who you look to for clarity, gossip about Mad Men, and opinions on length of bangs--get their own lives, map their own futures, and therefore become less accessible. 

For example, I have a core group of lady friends (women, I should say rather) who I stayed close with throughout high school and now into our twenties.  But when we were younger, we were all here together.  Now, that we are adults with responsibilities and real life choices on our hands, we find ourselves separate.  One in Israel, one in San Francisco, one in Sweden, one in Oregon, and sadly one who became a girl who's boyfriend became the only important thing in her life.  Now there are only three of us left here in sweet ol' Los Angeles.  And we don't even live in the same hood!  Yikes, considering Los Angeles traffic.  

My best friend lives across the country, and having recently accepted going to grad school in Wisconsin I'm coming to the sad realization that we will probably never live in the same city again.  I mean, grad school is probably where she will meet her husband, procreate with some snow mobile riding mountain man, and leave me (a city girl) for a farm with chickens and puppies.  But, who could blame her?

My point is, where in the hell do you make new lady friends at this stage in your life?  It's practically impossible, I'm guessing.  I mean, I don't work with anyone my age (well one, who really is a darling gal), I don't frequent any yoga places (which seems to be a hot bed for making friends, considering I always see people chatting with a fresh juice and mats in tow, post workout), and I'm really shy/a bit judgey when it comes to making new friends.  

Maybe there in lies the problem.  I mean, considering the city I live in has a lot of freak shows it can be a bit hard not to judge.  But I guess I'm not looking for a girlfriend to make small talk with and grab a drink with every once in a while to catch up.  I'm looking for that special gal that I can get my nails done with, run errands with, and cry about the unjust torture of body hair removal.  These are the special things that not all women posses   And the older I get, the more worried I become that I won't meet that special someone--okay special someones.  I realize that this is starting to sound like the paranoia one would feel when thinking of never meeting a significant other/spouse.  But this is so much more important.  Because those special girlfriends will really be there through it all.  And they will be the ones on your side when explaining the recently ridiculous fight you and your boyfriend had.  And damnit  every girl needs another girl to tell you "you are so right, that is crazy.  I would have lost my mind."  

When you meet a girl that fulfills all of these ridiculous requirements you feel like you've struck gold.  Where have you been all my life?  We're meant to be!  I mean, you don't say that of course, but duh you know you both feel it.  So where do I meet these goldmine ladies?  Maybe it's time to take up spinning, join a book club, or hang out near the bathroom at bars to find those special someones.  Okay, I hear it.  I'm sounding reeeeeaaal Single White Female.

my thoughts on Boston as my thoughts are in Boston

I have felt a lot of things over the past day, and I'm sure the range of emotions isn't over.  I heard about the tragic bombings in Boston when I was having lunch yesterday.  I got a news alert on my phone and instantly my heart sank into my stomach.  I feared that the pain and anguish that hit this country nearly twelve years ago was back.  

For one to understand what Marathon Monday is like in Boston, one has to be there.  To have lived there or to have been there on a Marathon Monday past.  It always takes place on Patriot's Day.  Now, anyone who hasn't lived in New England will say "hey! we don't have that!".  That's right, you don't  It's really just a New England thing, and every year it's great.  There is a parade, the marathon, and usually both a Celtics game and Red Sox day-game.  The city is enthralled in celebration, pride and just really experiencing Boston.  And also that "yay I don't have to go to school" feeling.  

I only lived in Boston for two years, but for both years I went and cheered on marathon runners at the finish line. When I saw photos, video, audio, everything that was streaming through the airwaves yesterday I kept thinking about the times where I was there cheering.  I couldn't imagine a wonderful day like those instantly changing forever.  Changing a tradition, changing people's lives, changing a city.  

The Boston Marathon is the oldest marathon in the United States.  It signifies a lot of pride, joy and beauty.  But now it is forever changed.  There will forever be a cloud, a sadness, a sense of mourning over this once very innocent and wonderful tradition.  

After the news broke and registered in my mind yesterday I called my best friend, a native New Englander.  All we could do was repeat how sad it was, how scary it was, and how shaken we felt by the whole thing.  We went to school less than a mile from that finish line.  I entered and exited the subway stop in front of the intersection hundreds of time.  It only now feels like nostalgia isn't just fond memories of the past, but memories you wish could stay as is without the sadness that now lingers.  

recent realizations

1.  Moving sucks so baaaaaaad!  Between the unpacking and organizing  and building furniture why would anyone ever move from their cave of a room?
2.  That being said, how did I ever not live in the lovely neighborhood I live in now?  I can walk to basically everything, my drive to work is eight minutes and there are so many cute puppies on my block.  Heaven!
3.  Strong, independent women load the car with newly purchased Ikea furniture while their boyfriends go buy themselves ice cream.  Or at least that is what I witnessed this weekend and said "you go girl!"
4.  Nothing will make you feel more like a cave woman than simultaneously going a month without a bang trim and two weeks without a manicure.  I feel like a monster.  

alive, i am!

No, I did not die or burrow in a small hole.  I just had the plague for a week and moved this past weekend so things have been hectic.  I'll be back with tales, sarcasm and grumpy ramblings soon. xo