Recently, I have taken
up kickboxing, and if you've spoken to me in the last month you will know
that I am absolutely in love with it and probably will never set foot in a gym
again. It is the best workout I have ever had, it doesn't make me feel
weak or slow (unlike some ballet barre classes where the instructor asks
you to put one leg on the bar, an arm holding a ball and another arm in the
air. Sorry, you lost me at leg.) and I love that there are girls of all
different body sizes/types doing the same workout and making it work out for
them (see what I did there?). I've really come to love the idea of a
group class. It holds you accountable because, unlike the gym,
you can't cancel the day of and if you walk out in the middle of your workout
everyone will notice and your teacher will probably chase you to find out
what's up. It also isn't a meat market, which I find to be the case at the gym,
especially when I catch girls in full-faced makeup, an arm full of bangles, and
a push-up bra. This isn't the club, slow down and wash your face.
Group workouts are
great, until they're not. What I mean is, I have some serious pet peeves
when it comes to being in a workout class. Take note, because I
know I'm not the only person who is secretly hating you in their heads
if you do any of these things:
1. Don't talk during class. An occasional (and
I use this word very strongly) "Woo!" is fine, but if you are having
a full on conversation with your friend on the mat next to you, it's time to
take your ass to the juice bar downstairs, because I can't hear the instructor
screaming my next move while you talk about what you're doing later. This
also applies for conversations had in languages other than English, because
then I can only assume you're talking about how awful all of us look as we
sweat in the ultrasexy position of bicycle kicks.
2. Pop a mint. I can't tell you how many
times in the last few weeks alone I will be holding punching pads for a
classmate and that first jab hits my pad with the same intensity that her
gnarly breath hits my nostrils. A simple Altoid will do wonders.
You're body looks great, and I would love to talk about what you eat to
stay in impeccable shape, but I don't want to smell it because at
this point I'm just going to assume you're eating Indian Food with kimchi for
every meal.
3. Wear a sports bra. If it has lace, it's
not a sports bra. You may think you look sexy with your
Agent Provocateur bra peeking through your Lulu Lemon, but you look
tacky. And bras are expensive. Don't demean them by sweating all
over your pretty underthings! This also goes for girls who don't wear a
bra at all because they think they're small enough to go without one. I
have news for you, I can see your nipples and they look miserable from the
chafing.
4. Keep grunting to a minimum. And by minimum I mean 0-1 times during class. The most
distracting thing is to have a girl in class who grunts with the frequency and volume of Maria
Sherpova. They're jumping jacks, they're not murder (nor sex
for that matter). I'm going to have to side with Larry
David on this one and just tell you to stfu.
5. Wipe off the equipment you use.
I could care less if you don't wipe your face when you're sweating like
Patrick Ewing, but clean off your mat and weights you animal!
If you follow these
rules the only thing people will be able to hate you for is how effortless you
look during a side plank. Please and thank you from any one with manners
and human decency.
image credit: Paris Vogue
